Monday, September 7, 2009

THAT explains a lot









When I was a child I had a dog named 'Ranger'. He escaped from our car when we were living in Montana once. We looked all over for him. My mother kept calling "Raaaannnnnggggeeeerrrr" over and over. Suddenly a Forest Ranger popped his head up from down in a ravine. He didn't look too happy. "What the hell do you want???" he yelled back? I had a very strange childhood.

For Christmas time in Big Sur I remember for our Christmas Tree we had a Holly Tree. The 'lights' were all the red berries. I stung construction paper chains around the tree. This was when I lived up in hills of the famous Stone House.

The Stone House (made virtually all from large boulders) when I lived in it, had no roads leading to the house. You drove up two miles from Highway One on this winding(all roads in Big Sur were "winding") dirt road that ended suddenly at the base of a steep hill. The stone house was a mile and a half up from that spot. Once a month when we went into town, we got groceries and my dad had to pack them all up the hill to the stone house. The first half was hiking up a goat trail, virtually straight up, until you came to a leveling off point. This was the 'rest stop', half way up and under a giant Sycamore tree. From that point on it was a more mellow meadow climb of only several hundred feet elevation gain. We had no electricity (kerosene lamps for light and a wood burning stove for heat and cooking), no refrigeration, (water my dad piped in from a stream up above the house was used to 'cool' some food over a wood box and burlap sack). My mother made a lot of my clothes with her foot pedal sowing machine. My mother once saved my life by shooting a diamondback rattlesnake through the head with a .22 handgun just out front of the house. The thing that I remember the most about living at the stone house was the view. I could see ALL of the pacific ocean for as far as the eyes could see from down south to far north.

I once live an entire winter in Montana in a 'house' that my dad constructed from giant rolls of plastic. The floor, the walls, the ceiling were all plastic. I'm guessing about 500 sq feet of living space. He took young trees that were about five inches in diameter, removed all the branches and buried them several inches in the ground in all the corners of the floor plan. He than rolled the large thick rolls of plastic around each 'tree' until he had laid a floor, walls and ceiling. We actually had a full size wood burning stove for heat and cooking. We had a kitchen and 'living room' and a bed room for my parents. The plastic was totally clear. I slept in the living room on the floor. It was a very interesting time. One thing that I do remember was the lightening storms were awesome. I would lie on the floor and look up as the rain fell directly down towards me, before it settled on the plastic ceiling or roof...leaving large puddles that my dad would every few minutes use a broom handle to push the water off the ceiling (actually the underside of the roof, LOL)...than the sky would light up in the most awesome display of light a child could imagine. And the thunder...my Great God rolling over in bed I was told, would literally shake the entire house. I had a strange childhood.

I don't remember wearing shoes until I was six.

I once spent an entire year in Big Sur with my bedroom being a tent. Each night my dad and I would try to get out the mosquitoes out of my tent before I went to bed. We never got them all. I was "locked in" with those demons. I still remember that high pitched "squeal" of those mini dive bombing bloodsucking insects. I hate mosquitoes.

At that same place, my dad had a marijuana field behind our house. We lived up in the hills of Big Sur. I remember ever time a plane flew over our house he would run outside with a torch ready to set fire to the field.

One of my fondest memories of a child growing up in Big Sur was eating watermelon with my dad. He taught me to salt watermelon...sea salt of course. We would go down the cliffs off Highway One (Pacific Coast Highway) and hike down to the massive rocks that clung onto the sides of the cliffs and kept the Pacific Ocean at bay, and scoop large quantities of salt from pools of water since evaporated from the morning. There was an art to it. He knew all the best places to get it. He was known for his sea salt. He would give large mayonnaise jars of it away as gifts. To this day sea salt is the only salt I use.

Nobody who drove a car in Big Sur wore a seat belt. That's because almost everywhere you drove was a hill on one side and cliffs on the other. Most roads up in the hills of Big Sur were one lane or one and a half at the most. You never knew who, when or where you would meet an oncoming car coming the other way. You don't want to be buckled in when driving off a cliff. My grandmother came down from the big city of Seattle to visit us having never or rarely visited before. She had a problem with alcohol. The problem was she drank it. She was asked to drive me home after drinking one night from the restaurant that my mother worked. We ended up upside down skidding down a steep hill many, many miles up a windy Big Sur road. It was pretty impressive that she made it that far. Anyways, I digress. Where were we. Oh yah, we are upside down on the roof of her Plymouth Valiant (having gone onto the bank of the hill and NOT the many mile drop of the cliff on the other side) careened off the bank and skidding down the dirt road. I remembered we crawled out of the car. I remember that I was not scared. Even with all the flying glass and being thrown around (no seat belts remember) I was not scared. But I do remember that after we crawled out of the totaled car, I remember climbing up the hill, stopping and turning around and seeing my grandmother, prim and proper city girl, squatting, taking a pee. That was much more traumatic to me.

This all happened before I was in 1st grade.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

things that i like...(that i didn't think i'd like)

*the "harry potter" books...(equal to 'Narnia' and as good if not better than 'Lord of the Rings'...plz don't tell my church!)

*diet coke

*the movie "taken"...esp. b/c I have 2 daughters!

*rooting, no enjoying, during a movie for every one of the bad guys to die horrible deaths...(see above movie)

*going to a conservative church...the Lord does work in mysterious ways (don't worry Uncle Bob, I'm still 'saved'.)...Update...I guess I was wrong...another update...guess I'm still saved...depends on who you talk too, I guess...LOL

*standing up in a conservative church and yelling, "Obama is God" and sitting back down...(ok, I haven't done that one yet...It's on my "bucket list")

*getting rid of my vices...(ok MOST of my vices...darn the sister for getting me a Hookah!)

*waking up early

*that time riiiiiight before you fall asleep

*reading the bible...("you mean it's not supposed to be a chore?")

*my current job

*making "homemade noodles" can be as much fun as eating "homemade noodles"...esp. when done as a family! (Except the part that Makaila is the Boss b/c she had more experience making them than Channie and I...that was agreed upon early on)

*strangers

*"Entertainment Weekly"...(so sue me:)

*praying...

*coaching Makaila's soccer team

*drinking water from a stainless steel water bottle

*blogging

*being single

*giving EVERYTHING to Jesus

*having a "toy" sized dog

*texting

*the book "the shack" (a christian novel about losing your daughter to a horrible death and learning about God's love...sounds riveting, right? Actually it is amazing!)

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Why R We Slamming Obama?

Why is extending a hand, not a fist so bad? Why is loving our 'neighbors' so wrong? Why not 'give peace a chance'? Why do we have to kill in the name of the flag and God? Why is helping those in need not our very first priority? Why do we feel so sure that killing those who have killed is right? Why is life so precious when unborn, but not so much when it has lived...even any after it has made some very bad decisions? Does God love the USA so much more than everybody else? Was Jesus white? ("If English was good enough for Jesus than it's good enough for me"!) Why is supporting 'big business' so good, but supporting the government, 'for the people' so wrong? Why is it so ingrained in our souls that "we are right" and "they are wrong"? I KNOW that God loves the US more than France, but the rest of the world? Hmmm...Why do we spend more money on our pets than in helping the poor? Can anybody envision Jesus with a dog? How much further would the Gospel have been spread in Acts if Birkenstock's were around? Why hasn't Batman captured Dick (the Penguin) Cheney yet? Is torture EVER justified. (which scripture is that in again???). If we call it "really uncomfortable" instead of torture, than its not torture, right? Does the killing of an abortion doctor get you into heaven? What about a late term abortion doctor, surely? Will the abortion doctor that was gunned down (outside of the church that he was an usher in, as his wife looked on from the choir) go to heaven? Do the "Ends" EVER justify the "Means"...ever? My head is spinning, I need to go to church and pray about these questions.

Monday, May 11, 2009

A little Girls 10th Birthday

There once was this little girl who was turning 10 years old. It was her birthday. She asked her Father for what she had always wanted for her birthday. Her Father said "no"? She was very mad. Her Father said that he needed to leave for a while but would be right back. She was very mad. She went into the kitchen and started to pour out the contents to several containers on the floor. She was making a mess. She felt a little better. She had been a naughty girl sometimes in the past but had always cleaned up her mess before her Daddy got home. This time her anger caused her to continue. She didn't clean up her mess but continued to make a bigger and bigger mess. She knew that she could stop at any time and clean things up before her Father got home like the other times. She wanted to make sure that the kitchen was clean for her birthday. But she was very, very mad at her Father. She continued to make a bigger and bigger mess. It made her feel a little better. She was having so much fun (kind of) and it made her forget how mad she was at her Dad. So she made a little bit more of a mess. She was forgetting how mad she was and the more of a mess she made the better she felt (sort of). After a while she was starting to feel a little bad and realized that no matter how big of a mess she made it didn't make her feel much better. Than the clock struck "one". It was an hour before her birthday was to begin. She was scared. Her Father would be home any minute now. Her guests would start showing up and everybody would see how 'bad' she was. The mess she made was worst that any mess she had ever made before. She was scared. She knew that there was no way she could ever clean up this mess by herself. What could she do. She started to cry and she ran into her room and locked the door. She knew that she wouldn't be getting any presents this year. Nobody would come to her party, her Dad would cancel it for sure. She got on the floor and pulled her knees up to her chest and started to rock back and forth and she cried. Soon, she heard the front door open. She was so afraid. She didn't know what to do so she stayed in her room with the lights out. After a while she heard the door open again and she heard more people coming into the house. They would be so disappointed in her. They would see how bad she had been. She was so ashamed. She knew that they would leave in disgust. How would she ever face them again? But soon, she heard what sounded like talking and laughing. People were still in the house? Did they not see the mess? Were they just ignoring it? She cracked the door to her bedroom open just a bit and looked down the hall to the kitchen. The hall was a mess. It was a disaster. She slammed the door and ran to the back of her room and put her hands over her ears so she couldn't hear the guests and cried all the more. More time passed. She took her hands off her ears. She heard more laughing and talking. She heard people calling her name. She was so confused. Were they laughing at her? Were they waiting for her to come out so they could tell her what a bad girl she was? She was getting so mad again. Who were they to judge HER? She wasn't very, very bad. She was just a little naughty! She would show them. She threw open the door and started to march right out of her room, but she was overwhelmed by the mess she saw in the hall leading to the kitchen. She slunk back into her room. She would live in her room for the rest of her life. She would never ever face the faces of her friends and relatives. She could never look at her dad's eyes again. How could she? After a long, long time, it sounded like the party was winding down (how could they have had a party on HER birthday w/o HER?). She decided that she would at least start to clean up the mess in front of her bedroom by the hall. She cracked open the door. She couldn't believe her eyes. The mess was so bad! It would take her the rest of her life to clean it all up she knew. Well she might as well start. She started cleaning. It wasn't a very good job but it was the best that a little 10 year old could do. She tried with all her might. As she started around the corner leading to the kitchen she stopped and stared. She couldn't move. The kitchen was totally clean. It was spotless. It was like there was never a mess there before. She timidly walked out of the kitchen and into the living room. There were only a few guests left. She saw her Father watching her. She looked into his eyes. They were filled with tears. "Happy Birthday sweetheart" was all h
He said. She ran crying into his arms. "I'm so sorry that I made a mess in the kitchen Father. Before I realized what I did it was too much for me to clean." "I know my child, It WAS more than you could clean, but not more than I could clean. I was waiting for you to come out and ask for my help." The little girl was so ashamed. "Daddy I'm so sorry. I know that I don't deserve anything for my birthday and I'm sorry that I was mad at you." Her Father said, "Honey it's always your birthday and of course you deserve a present. I'm your Father and I LOVE giving to you. But it's not always what YOU want." Than from behind his back he pulled out the prettiest present the little girl had ever seen. She couldn't believe it. She never even dreamed that she deserved a present like this. How could she even ask for this if she never even dreamed that she could ever get it. It was the most awesome present that she could ever imagine...and it was her very own...

"...you do not have b/c you do not ask God" James 4:2


We do NOT have the ability to "clean up our mess"...only through God is it possible. He will clean our sins like it never happened, but we have to be able to face God (our Father) and ASK Him. How much time we spend fretting about our sins and our non ability to 'clean them up' when what we have to do is run into our Daddy's arms and say "I'm sorry". He will forgive us our sins but we first have to admit them and FULLY ask for forgiveness. Our sins are ours, nobody else. We have to accept our sins than God can heal us from them.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

sorrow

Will my burden ever pass from me? Will my joy not return? What more will you ask of me oh Lord? I have done your biddings w/o reserve. If this is to strengthen me why do I feel so weak?

I came to You because I had nowhere else to go. Why do you turn from me when my enemies are at my doorstep? Pain and suffering are my only friends now. For they have never left my side. My love has forsaken me and turned to another. For even now she relishes in my sorrow. Her choices are for herself: mine are for my Lord. Yet my God seems to be satisfied only with my mistakes.

What more will you take from me, as MY love is all I have left to give. All is lost. My defense is down to the marrow; my bones long ago have been crushed. All I ask for is what I want; all You give me is what I need? Why does it seem to be not enough?

I cannot continue down this crossing. The water is too deep. I swim against the currents of my mourning; my sole has been raped yet again. I am becoming numb to the pain. Take my heart God, as it is of no use to me. The remnants are a tattered Old Glory at the fort surrounding my heart. Wave after wave of evil has stormed my very being. Why must you mock me with promises when all I see are “truths”? They tear at my very sole. Rip open my veins so that my pain will finally be no more.

Why could I not been born w/o feelings. Oh to sin w/o remorse. I want to injure w/o pain. Why shouldn’t I sin w/o consequences? Why do you hate me so much to allow me to feel? Why must I continue? Please let me go. Why must revenge be only Yours? Why can I not feel the satisfaction of seeing my enemies fall before me? Why do you block my feeble attempts at hate?

Forgive me my Lord, for I have sinned.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Is God "pro-life" or "pro-choice", Yes he is!

  • OH boy, here we go.
  • This ties in to "what is love"? Many have expressed their dismay at "how could God have allowed...(fill in the blank)"? The answer is simple. Because he loves us. Huh? The ultimate way for someone to show love is to allow freedom for the person to 'choose' to love back. Any time that love is mandated, manipulated or demanded it is not love. God loves us so much that he allows us to make our own choices. Even if those choices harm us (0r others), kill us or send ourselves to eternal damnation. It is "our" choice. He never demands us to love him, obey him, follow him or for that matter anything. He has set in place a way for us to receive ALL of his gifts that he has. All of them, each one of us. And he is clear on how to receive those gifts, whether it is the gift of life, salvation, the redemption from sin or an eternal life in his presence. He has given us a guild book to do this. We have to 'choice' to do or not do. If we do, than all of his gifts are poured down upon us. If we don't than we get the 'gifts' of our own choosing.
  • But what about Saul? (Later to be renamed Paul) that was one of the most prolific Christian writers in the new testament? God literally knocked him off his "ass" on his journey. He clearly spoke to him, condemed him and told him clearly what to do. Whouldn't that be great if that is the way God spoke to us when we are not walking in his footsteps! It didn't seem like there was a lot of faith involved in Sauls rebirth, most of us probably would have done the same thing. Our christian experience involves much more of a "faith based" experience. But ultimately he was given a choice. At any time he could have turned his back on God, esp. when the going got tough, beatings, torture, imprisonment etc, but he chose God.
  • God wants us to choose Him. He knows what is best for us. He desperately wants us to follow in His footsteps. But he allows us to choose...ever single one of our poor choices are ours. It's not someone elses fault, it is/was ours. Do some of us have a harder road to follow? Do some of us have more obsticles to overcome, whether from abuse, abandonment, lack of love, money, family etc? Abosoultely. But we still have the choice to follow God or not. That is the one thing that makes us all the same. Jesus stands at the door and knocks, who so ever answers that knock he will let him in. He will NOT reach through the door and pull you in kicking and screaming. It's up to each one of us. By faith.
  • So does Jesus want us to choose "life"? It certainly seems so. All life. In the womb, Capital punishment or on the battle field. It seems clear to me that in all circumstances that we are to choose "life". But what about the "morning after" pill? What about really, really bad crimes? What about when they have all the oil? Well, I guess that is where "choice" comes in doesn't it! And God allows US to choose, right or wrong. He never, ever mandates any of our choices. They are ours, to our ultimate demise or redemption!!! Make the right choice, but if you don't, than what you have is truely yours!
I choose you Lord...

Jardin

Monday, May 4, 2009

A Love Poem to my "baby" daughter

Oh Beautiful daughter of mine!

Your face is full of angst
Your frustration spills out
All my joy, left in my life
I would give to you w/o a doubt

I hold you and whisper in your ear
How much your daddy loves you
Your cries are hot daggers in my heart
My sorrow courses through veins blue

I see your beauty, deeper than skin
Your sole glorious like a field of daisies
On the first day of springtime true
My charming girl is really amazing

My little baby has gone away
For my little lady is here to stay
Your beauty is almost complete
Oh beautiful daughter, you dismay!

Your love is unconditional
Your smile is so intoxicating
Grab my neck, kiss my cheek
I will give what you seek

Love me tender, I’m so blue
You’re my baby girl, true
A young lady, just in waiting
I can’t believe it, no not you!

Don’t you leave me, I’m not ready
Hold my hand, keep me steady
I can’t stand, you’re my little lady
What’s your favorite dish, spaghetti?

Now this poem is almost complete
The only thing missing is to say
You’re still my little girl for today
Eyes as blue as a summertime sky.